Cheers and Jeers for Tuesday, April 13, 2021
Note: Just a quick THANK YOU for making our annual C&J fundraiser another successful one. Even though it concluded a few weeks ago, donations are still coming in via PayPal and DeJoy Post, along with some very nice cards and notes. We appreciate this because it dramatically reduces our need to rob little old ladies at knife-point—most of whom can outrun me and the purse money of the ones who can’t smell like Rolaids. Onward. —Mgt.
By the Numbers:
Days ’til 420 Day: 7
Portion of Americans and Russians killed by the coronavirus, respectively, according to The New York Times: 1-in-600, 1-in-400
Trump’s share of the Mormon vote in 2016 and 2020, respectively, making the LDS’ers the most self-destructive religious group of them all: 51%, 66%
Portion of 18-34 year-old Americans and 55+ Americans, respectively, polled by Gallup who believe global warming will be a serious threat to their way of life: 61%, 29%
Americans across all age groups who believe it will affect their way of life in their lifetime: 43%
Percent chance that the Trump cultists—aka the state Republican party—in Nevada voted to censure the Trump-cultist Secretary of State for failing to stop the widespread voter fraud that never existed: 100%
Percent of 18-44 year-old Americans polled by CBS News who say they listen to music through a streaming service: 60%
Puppy Pic of the Day: Rub a dub dub…
JEERS to cop-on-teen crime. Well, that’s not technically true—the unarmed victim, Daunte Wright, who got blown away by a trigger-happy cop not ten goddamn miles from where George Floyd was murdered, was 20. Floyd’s hideous crime against humanity was passing a twenty. This kid’s? Having an air freshener hanging from the rear-view mirror:
A Minnesota police chief said Monday he believes an officer wanted to use a Taser, but mistakenly drew a service weapon before fatally shooting a Black man at point-blank range during a traffic stop. […]
Brooklyn Center Police Chief Tim Gannon said…“As I watched the video and listened to the officer’s commands, it is my belief the officer had the intention to deploy their Taser but instead shot Mr. Wright with a single bullet.”
Mayor Mike Elliott said he wants the officer fired. “We cannot afford to make mistakes that lead to the loss of life,” Elliott said.
And yet, just like the Trump supporters who complain of “economic anxiety” but continue throwing money at him like it grows on trees, we do continue to “afford” making mistakes that lead to the loss of life. Black life. And now come the totally justified protests, which are being met with ten times the weaponry, riot gear, armored vehicles, and sadistic glee on the part of police and National Guardsmen than we saw defending the Capitol against the Trump’s traitors. As for the cop? She’ll probably be fired and have to take another job at another police department after the “proper authorities” in Brooklyn Center, Minnesota finish doing all they can to make all this unpleasantness blow over. I just hope she gets her gun back—it’s dangerous out there.
CHEERS to oompah bands at high noon. In the spirit of the Hitler Putsch, America’s red-hatted cultists had big plans on Sunday to take over the government in a nationwide series of rallies that would—their words—make “the whole world tremble.” Millions would show up wearing their finest armbands and medieval-based “hidden meaning [wink wink]” patches that make ’em look all scary-like, and the non-Aryans would tremble at the sight and turn over the keys to our republic. Juuuust one little problem:
Hardly anyone showed up.
The “White Lives Matter” rallies, the first major real-world organizing efforts by white supremacists since 2018, were planned on the encrypted app Telegram after many aligned groups were alleged to have taken part in the Jan. 6 storming of the U.S Capitol.
The poor showing underscores how the country’s unpopular and disorganized extremist movements have been driven underground by increased scrutiny from the media, law enforcement agencies and far-left activists who infiltrate their private online spaces and disrupt their attempts to communicate and organize.
All of the above is true. But I think it underscores a more important lesson: don’t schedule a white-supremacist “blitzkrieg ’til you achieve the Fourth Reich” on Sunday morning when the #1 white-supremacist activity on Saturday night is “drink ’til you pass out.”
CHEERS to #3. Happy 278th birthday to founding father and President #3 Thomas Jefferson. Cormac O’Brien’s book Secret Lives of the U.S. Presidents sums up the “Sage of Monticello” rather well (although we’re quick to do a facepalm over his ownership and treatment of slaves which was, shall we say, deplorable):
Thomas Jefferson was the walking, talking embodiment of the Enlightenment, a polymath whose list of achievements is as long as it is incredibly varied.
As if penning the Declaration of Independence, sitting as governor of Virginia during the Revolution, and serving as Secretary of State in George Washington’s first term weren’t enough, he went on to do much more—architecture, linguistics, agriculture, philosophy, music, prose, you name it. While others dabbled, Jefferson mastered.
He left behind a vast collection of essays and correspondence, which reveal a mind of stunning complexity and apparent contradictions. Jefferson was an avowed abolitionist whose fortune relied on a large population of slaves, a forward-thinking humanist whose opinions on minorities such as Native Americans could be truly alarming; a man whose awkwardness around women stood in stark contrast to his legendary romances.
Pay your respects here. Jefferson, by the way, was also “fond of greeting ambassadors in his pajamas—a practice that most of them found appalling.” If you ring our doorbell tonight, I’ll treat ya to a free reenactment from six feet away.
BRIEF SANITY BREAK
END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
CHEERS to a big, beautiful wall. It’s done. It’s DONE! Done done done done done. They finished it and now no one gets in or out, but we do get to stand around admiring its completeness and then throw candy and flowers at the feet of the glorious, clear-thinking creator who built it. And that would be, of course…Canada:
Police in Canada have placed metal fencing around a church that’s led by a pastor who was jailed for holding worship services that violated provincial lockdown rules in order to physically shut it down until it “can demonstrate the ability to comply” with the ongoing COVID-19restrictions.
Police on Friday put up additional fencing around Grace Life Church in Edmond, days after Alberta Health Services closed the building by fencing it off, ahead of Sunday worship. Officials have accused GraceLife of violating public health guidelines on multiple occasions.
And just in case someone informs me that Mexico paid for it: you’re all invited to my funeral following my sudden and unexpected death by gigglesphyxiation.
P.S. Hey, Canada: can you do Florida next?
CHEERS to happy endings. 51 years ago this week, en route to the moon, Apollo 13 commander
Tom Hanks Jim Lovell Are you sure it was Jim Lovell and not Tom Hanks, I think it was Tom Hanks Jim Lovell announced, “Houston, we’ve got a problem” after Richard Nixon used his Sith powers to cause an oxygen tank to explode. (Did too! Look it up!)
Through sheer brilliance on the part of NASA’s team and the crew, they returned safely four days later. A “successful failure” is what they called that mission. Or as it’s also known: “a typical day at Fox News.”
P.S. Only 721 monthly payments to go and Jim Lovell will have paid for the damage. (They begged him to buy State Farm exploding-oxygen-tank insurance, but did he listen? Noooo…)
Ten years ago in C&J: April 13, 2011
CHEERS to the C&J mailbag. Just arrived via the Mad As Hell Express:
Dear Rep. Paul Ryan,
We understand that your budget proposal would preserve Medicare as it exists today for everyone 55 and older.
In response, we worked over the weekend to form a thoughtful response that comes equally from our heads and our hearts:
Sincerely, America’s 54 year-olds
I admire their restraint.
And just one more:
CHEERS to the master of the mashie. The 2021 wearer of the Green Technicolor Dreamcoat was decided at the Masters golf tournament Sunday, and he’s from—quick, fetch the smelling salts for the red-hatted cultists—Asia! Yes, Hideki Matsuyama became the first Japanese swinger to win all the marbles, and the symbolism isn’t lost on anyone who’s even remotely aware of the spike in vitriol and violence in our country against Asians and Asian-Americans. Amid all the cheering and hoopla, this will be one of the enduring images of the tournament:
Our condolences to second-place finisher Will Zalatoris, who limped away from Augusta with only $1.24 million in his pocket. Some days it’s all you can do to pay the rent.
Have a tolerable Tuesday. Floor’s open…What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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