Late Nighters Weigh In: Guilty, Guilty, Guilty Edition
“After ten hours of deliberation, a jury in Minneapolis decided that it’s illegal for the police to murder people—that Black lives matter. It’s hard to celebrate, because a man is still dead, but there is a sense of relief that at least this one injustice was not compounded with indifference.”
“I hope the verdict itself brings comfort to the family of George Floyd and all those who mourn his death. I’d also like to say: good luck in prison, Derek. You’ll need it. That’s right—I hope you’re there for a very long time.”
“While yesterday’s guilty verdicts are a step towards justice, they don’t change the fact that a man was murdered, and Black people are still being killed by police. We have a long way to go to make this a country that actually treats everybody like human beings.”
“Chauvin’s defense, and so much of the defense of racist police abuse writ large, depends on telling us not to believe our eyes. We can see the injustice with our own eyes, but there’s a whole industry of people—from police unions to private prisons to cable pundits—whose very lucrative job is to try to convince us that what we can see and hear with our own eyes and ears isn’t real.”
“President Biden and forty other world leaders are kicking off a big virtual climate summit. They’re meeting virtually because of the pandemic. The guest list includes Vladimir Putin, Bill Gates, Pope Francis, and one very stressed-out I.T. guy.”
It’s so weird to have a president who doesn’t take their phone to the toilet.
And now, our feature presentation…
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, April 23, 2021
Note: Just a quick heads-up that C&J will be taking the day off Monday so that we can use the weekend to recharge our batteries as we prepare for the headlong sprint into the final crazy 252 days of 2021. Back Tuesday morning as a floating apparition in the lotus position spouting trite zen sayings that will drive you mad. Because to drive madness without sayings is to say madness without driving. —Mgt.
By the Numbers:
Days ’til Workers’ Memorial Day: 5
Date by which you’ll need a Real ID-compliant driver’s license or state identification card to get through security screening at U.S. airports because of a 9/11-related law passed 16 years ago: 10/1/21
Number of police officers who have been convicted of murder since 2005, including Derek Chauvin on Tuesday, out of 16,000 police killings: 8
Rank of “Donald Trump” among reasons most often cited by Asian Americans polled by Pew Research for the rise in violence against them: #1
Rank of the U.S., China, and Japan among the worlds largest economies, according to CNBC: #1, #2, #3
Length of time the soccer “European Super League,” consisting of a dozen breakaway teams from whatever the main soccer league is over there in Europe, lasted before it fell apart: 48 hours
Normal daily production of saliva: 0.5-to-1.5 liters
Puppy Pic of the Day: Weekend plans…
CHEERS to clearing the air. Happy Day after Earth Day Day. I’m all drunk on earthiness, I can tell you that. Greta scolded Congress. Virtual awareness-raising events happened all over the globe. The EU pledged to be “climate-neutral” (why does that sound like a weasel term to me?) by 2050. And President Biden showed up as Mr. Clean:
The U.S. aims to cut greenhouse gas emissions in half by 2030 as part of its new commitment to the Paris climate agreement, President Joe Biden announced Thursday.
Biden made the pledge, called the “nationally determined contribution,” while speaking at a two-day virtual climate summit attended by dozens of world leaders Thursday morning. Biden rejoined the 2015 climate pact in February, reversing a decision by President Donald Trump to withdraw the U.S. from the global coalition to curb carbon emissions.
The president emphasized that scientists say the current decade will be decisive for addressing the climate crisis. “This is the decade we must make decisions that will avoid the worst consequences of the climate crisis,” Biden said, adding, “We can’t resign ourselves to that future. We have to take action on this, and this summit is our first step on the road we’ll travel together.”
Not to be a cynical libturd blogger, but if you’re keeping score at home, this is the 492nd “first step” we’ve taken since we first realized the planet was fast becoming a hot, gooey, desolate future playground for little more than poisonous jellyfish and cockroaches. Which reminds me: the jellyfish and cockroaches would like us to stop doing anything about climate change. Please and thank you.
CHEERS to Gravity Defiance II: Gravity Defy Harder. They did it again. After making sure its seat belt was securely fastened and tray table was in the upright and locked position, those lovable nerds at NASA gave clearance for departure to the little Ingenuity helicopter on Mars for a second spin around the red planet:
It achieved the intended altitude of 16 feet and even accelerated sideways 7 feet. This hop lasted 52 seconds, 13 seconds longer than the first one.
“Go big or go home!” JPL tweeted in announcing the Earth Day news.
The success came just three days after Ingenuity made the first powered flight by an aircraft on another planet. The helicopter carried a bit of wing fabric from the Wright Flyer that made similar history at Kitty Hawk, North Carolina, in 1903.
NASA plans up to three more test flights in the next 1 1/2 weeks, venturing higher each time with more complicated acrobatics.
As if that wasn’t enough, more space history was made early this morning when the second batch of astronauts to blast off from Cape Canaveral in a Crew Dragon capsule reached orbit on their way to the Space Station with a cargo of fresh Krispy Kremes and mad-scientist experiments.
The anti-masker stowaway they ejected is currently floating comfortably in the thermosphere with his MAGA flag. They’ll pick him up on the way back. Or not.
CHEERS and JEERS to “Ten-Cent Jimmy.” Happy 230th Birthday to that old stuffed shirt James Buchanan. In practice, he was a stuck-up, hanky-sniffing, slavery-enabling disaster as president. But on paper, his resume was pretty impressive:
• United States Minister to the United Kingdom
• 17th Secretary of State
• United States Senator from Pennsylvania
• U.S. Minister to Russia
• Member of the House of Representatives (PA-04: 4 terms, PA-03: 1 term)
• Chairman of the House Judiciary Committee
This year we got the 15th POTUS an extra special gift: an official elevation in rank on the presidential ratings list, moving up to #44, just above #45—disgraced, twice-impeached one-termer Donald Trump. Plus, of course, the usual “I Diddled While the Country Teetered on the Brink of Civil War and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt” t-shirt.
CHEERS to easy layups. Tomorrow is “National Pig in a Blanket Day.” Or as it’s also known: “Jim Jordan’s Nappy Time.”
BRIEF SANITY BREAK
END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
JEERS to getting emphysema at 35,000 feet. My mom was a smoker, and I’ll never forget flying with my parents and having to sit at the back of the plane because that was where the smokers sat so they wouldn’t “bother” the non-smokers sitting in front of them. Uh huh, sure:
What were we thinking?!! Thankfully the ban on airborne puffery went into effect 33 years ago today. So now all we have to worry about is engines blowing apart, increases in climate-change-related turbulence, catching a lung-incapacitating virus, red-hatted anti-maskers, seat kickers and baby screamers. In other words: God bless Amtrak.
CHEERS to home vegetation. Kind of a quiet week for TV, unless you’re a die-hard Academy Awards fan (more on that below). The gang at MSNBC kicks things off by unpacking all the Friday news dump bon-bons, although with Joe Biden in the White House my hair hasn’t been on fire once since January 20th. At 9, ABC airs a special edition of 20/20 looking back at the investigation into George Floyd’s death. Cancel-culture snowflake Bill Maher, now officially an old geezer yelling at clouds, talks with April Ryan, S.E. Cupp, and Fran Leibowitz on HBO’s Real Time at 10.
The most popular home videos, new and old, are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. The MLB schedule is here (Red Sox are, of course, in first place), the NHL schedule is here and the NBA schedule is here. SNL is a rerun with Rege-Jean Page (“Bridgerton”). Sunday on 60 Minutes: Minnesota Attorney General Keith Ellison on the Derek Chauvin trial/verdict, and a profile of what the hell actor Nathan Lane’s up to lately. Everything else Sunday night is a rerun to make way for the host-less Oscars starting at 8pm on ABC and ending sometime in mid-May.
Now here’s your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: Sen. Amy Klobuchar (D-MN); Baltimore Police Commissioner Michael Harrison; Dr. Keith Mayes; NIH Director Francis Collins.
CNN’s State of the Union: Vice President Kamala Harris; Sen. Shelley Moore Capito (CULT-WV).
This Week: Rep. Karen Bass (D-CA); Doc Fauci; Sen. Rick Scott (CULT-FL).
Face the Nation: Congresswoman and former Orlando Police Chief Val Demings (D-FL); Houston Police Chief Troy Finner; Sherrilyn Ifill of the NAACP; Gov. Mike DeWine (CULT-OH).
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Reps. Karen Bass (D-CA) and Kevin McCarthy (CULT-CA); 25th anniversary lowlight reel.
Ten years ago in C&J: April 23, 2011
WTF??? to wayward warriors. After a frantic search by his neighbors, Senator John McCain was finally found wandering around in his bathrobe…in Libya. Analysts believe it’s part of a rogue Pentagon plan to escalate our involvement there by putting coots on the ground.
And just one more…
CHEERS to naked men dipped in gold. The Oscars (#93) will be handed out Sunday night—hostless again, but with celebrities aplenty, doing wacky stuff for about ten minutes before it all congeals into a molasses-like behemoth that moves at the speed of Louie Gohmert’s brain cells. You can check out the nominees here. For what it’s worth (approximately one BILLION dollars, according to a recent Standard & Poor’s audit), here are my predictions for what was a strange year for movies and a devastating one for theaters. (For the record I’m still seething over the fact that Beverly Hills Chihuahua IX: Rise of Squeaky Toy was denied a Best Picture nod.) The envelopes please…
Picture: Nomadland. I guess.
Actor: Chadwick Boseman for Ma Rainey’s Black [Scatological Term for Derriere Deleted, since children might be reading this]
Actress: The Nomadland lady who was so excellent in Fargo
Supporting Actor: Daniel Kaluuya as Fred Hampton in Judas and the Black Messiah
Supporting Actress: Youn Yuh-Jung for Minari
Director: Chloe Zhao for Nomadland
Song: Husavic from Eurovision Song Contest
Documentary: My Octopus Teacher, about a guy who goes diving every day (snorkel only, no tank, which adds considerably to the suspense) to hang out with an octopus, teaching it all about the benefits and security that come from reverse-mortgages, hoping that one day the critter will dip into its ink reservoir and sign on the dotted line.
Everything Else: Star Wars
Meanwhile the Golden Razzies, for worst films and performances, will be handed out tomorrow, and you can check out that list here. I can already tell you who will win Worst Actor: MyPillow nutcase Mike Lindell, star of his own propaganda film Absolute Proof. But only because Donald Trump’s entry, Airport Speech Before Fleeing the Capitol in Disgrace, missed the January 19th submission deadline. Too bad.
Have a great weekend. Floor’s open…What are you cheering and jeering about today?