Late Night Snark: First 100 Days Edition
“Last night was President Biden’s first address to Congress. And get this: 85 percent of people who watched Biden’s speech approved of it. That’s amazing. The only other things Americans like that much are Dolly Parton and cheese fries.”
“Fun fact: for some GOP members of Congress, this is their first time back in the Capitol since those tours they gave to their friends on January 5th.”
You are now below the fold. No lifeguard on duty.
“It might have been a little cold in the room. Far-right congresswoman Lauren Boebert unfurled a space blanket. Which is weird because usually she wears the tinfoil on her head.”
“It was a hopeful speech. He talked about turning peril into prosperity. He said life can knock us down, but in America we never stay down, we always get up…except for Ted Cruz, who was asleep for a lot of it. Dreaming of Cancun, no doubt.”
“One thing that almost everyone agreed [on] in Washington and the country about Joe Biden over the last 30 years is that he was nice and boring. And now, he’s had this exciting start to the presidency, and the type of money he’s spending makes him look more like someone who just signed his first record deal than the moderate, boring president that many thought he would be.”
—MSNBC’s Ari Melber on Late Night
“Trump may be out of office, but the criminal investigations of him and his allies are still very much ongoing. Yesterday the feds provided an emphatic reminder of that fact when they executed multiple search warrants at Rudy’s home and office. I know this is unlikely, but I do hope they were able to send at least one guy to the raid who was working there back when Rudy was in charge. ‘Hey boss, did you see that Yankee game last night? What, they got holes in their bats? Yeah, anyway, I gotta take your filing cabinet.'”
I’d like to reassure my fellow celebrities that you don’t have to run for governor.
—Californian Conan O’Brien
And now, our feature presentation…
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, April 30, 2021
Note: C&J’s designated NSA tracker Bart will be monitoring us for the next 24 hours from inside the Maypole we set up next to the kiddie pool today. He politely asks that you not bang on it with something large like a monkey wrench. We politely ask that you do. —Mgt.
By the Numbers:
Days ’til Star Wars Day: 4
Age of Apollo 11 astronaut Michael Collins when he died this week: 90
Percent of Americans polled by CNN who believe President Biden is doing a good job battling the coronavirus pandemic, up 6 points since last month: 66%
Percent in the poll who believe he’s keeping his campaign promises overall: 59%
Portion of Americans polled by Monmouth who favor raising taxes on the rich to pay for stuff like infrastructure and child care: 2-in-3
Minimum number of major corporations who publicly support passage of the Equality Act, which passed in the House and is now sitting on Chuck Schumer’s desk: 400
Apple’s sales during the first quarter of 2021: $90 billion
Puppy Pic of the Day: Weekend plans…
CHEERS to May! Month 15 of pandemic-monium arrives in a few hours as April departs like a lamb and/or lion. It’s the month of flowers, Mom’s Day, Teachers Day (the 4th), Armed Forces Day, Victoria Day, National Pet Week, the end of Ramadan (the 11th), “End of the Middle Ages” Day (May 29—for Republicans a day of mourning), and Cinco de Mayo.
It’s National Hamburger Month for carnivores (assuming Biden’s plan to ban meat can be thwarted in time) and National Salad Month for vegans. The Webby Awards (and their famous 5-word acceptance speeches) will be virtually awarded on the 18th. Memorial Day weekend kicks off summer in 30 days, but not before we celebrate Star Wars Day (i.e. “May the Fourth Be With You”) and the 51st anniversary of the Kent State shootings on the same day. Full moon arrives on the 26th, so make a note to look up, think of Neil Armstrong and Michael Collins, and give it a wink. As for movies, lots of what looks like forgettable murder, horror, and mayhem. Oh, and don’t be surprised if you see Matt Gaetz and Rudy Giuliani headed for the hoosegow (more on that below).
Sadly, due to the ongoing coronavirus precautions, the Daily Kos contributing editors still won’t be able to dress in their frilly best to dance around the Maypole this year, only the second such cancellation in the blog’s storied 19-year history. “Thank you, thank you, thank you,” said the Maypole.
CHEERS to C&J Theater. My latest one-act play, based on a true story:
Billy Gets Vaccinated
[Scene: Vaccination site—Portland, Maine Expo gymnasium. Thursday.]
BILL IN PORTLAND MAINE, sitting in vaccination chair w/ sleeve rolled up: Can you give me a 3-2-1 countdown before you give me the shot?
NURSE: I’m already done.
I pre-dedicate my 2021 Drama Desk Award to God and all of you, my most loyal fans. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go sniff coke off a stripper’s ass and then sit in my closet for six weeks surviving on nothing but noodles, gin, and self-doubt as part of my Tortured Creative Genius 101 class. It’s my finals thesis project. Wish me luck.
CHEERS to Great Moments in Real Estate. On April 30, 1803, Robert Livingston and James Monroe concluded a deal with France that increased the size of the United states by 828,000 square miles. Price tag: $23,000,000. We know it as The Louisiana Purchase. Century 21 agents know it as “The holy grail of commission checks.”
BRIEF SANITY BREAK
END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
CHEERS to bad boys in big trouble. My my my—what will we tell the children? Two of America’s north stars of integrity and patriotism are not having a very good TGIF:
Rudy Giuliani got his most treasured, finely-calibrated butt-dialing devices—all eight of them—seized by the FBI because they likely contain evidence of crimes committed during the 2020 election. Rudy claims he’s innocent—so innocent that in January he begged President Trump for a blanket pardon.
Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-FL) is in hotter water today, thanks to a confession by his partner in underage sex-trafficking Joel Greenberg. Greenberg admits that he and Gaetz did, in fact, do the underage rapey sex trafficking thing. Gaetz claims he’s innocent—so innocent that in January he also begged President Trump for a blanket pardon.
Trump turned them both down, so now they’re twisting in the wind all by their lonesomes. As for what we tell the children? Let’s start with, “Don’t be like them.”
CHEERS to “#1.” 232 years ago today, on April 30, 1789, sports bars were packed as millions watched George Washington take the oath of office as the first President of the United States. This scene from HBO’s John Adams perfectly captures firsthand accounts of the awkwardness (How do we do this?), solemnity (Shut up, you guys, we’re doing this), and euphoria (We did this!) that hung in the air that day:
Time to haul out the ol’ confetti cannon. Light ’em if ya got ’em.
CHEERS to home vegetation. Just a quick preview of some of the viewage that might show up on your screen this weekend. After Chris and Rachel do their Friday night thang, Bill Maher talks with Ben Sheehan, Thomas Frank, and Nancy MacLean on HBO’s Real Time.
The most popular home videos, new and old, are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. The MLB schedule is here, the NHL schedule is here (rounds 2 and 3 of the draft are on NBC now ’til 11:30, with more tomorrow afternoon) and the NBA schedule is here. The 147th Kentucky Derby returns to the first Saturday in May, as the pre-promotion ads have told me a thousand times this week. (As usual my money’s on the mule wearing the rocket shoes.) Coverage of the 3-minute race starts 4½ earlier at 2:30 on NBC. Later tomorrow night Nick Jonas hosts SNL.
On 60 Minutes: Secretary of State Antony Blinken’s travel plans, and a profile of author Michael Lewis. A secret, never-before-seen room in Homer & Marge’s house gets revealed on The Simpsons. And John Oliver continues running rings around the Big-3 network investigative reporters Sunday night at 11 with another meticulously-researched edition of HBO’s Last Week Tonight.
Now here’s your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen; Sens. Bernie Sanders (I-VT) and Rob Portman (CULT-OH).
This Week: former Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Adm. Mike Mullen; New York Times South Asia Bureau Chief Jeffrey Gettleman; Dean of the Brown University School of Public Health Dr. Ashish Jha.
Face the Nation: President Biden’s cool-as-a-cucumber chief of staff Ron Klain; Black Sen. Tim Scott (CULT-SC) continues his attempt to whitewash the revolting infestation of violent racism within his own party.
CNN’s State of the Union: WARNING—Stay away from this program or your TV and/or streaming device may get fried by a sudden surge of Susan Collins-related concern (technically, a “consurge”). We’ll fire up the all-clear siren when she’s left the studio. Plus: Cindy McCain hawks her new book as the campaign to whitewash her husband’s atrocious record as a serial liar and warmonger continues.
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: President Biden’s Council of Economics chair Cecilia Rouse; Sen. Bill Cassidy (CULT-LA).
Ten years ago in C&J: April 30, 2011
CHEERS to the resilience of a proud nation. Congratulations, America! You made it through your first full week without having the color-coded terror alert system in place. That’s right—we’re now flying this bad-boy republic without a rainbow parachute. Why was it scrapped? Because, as one former U.S. security advisor said: “Any alert system is only as good as the intelligence that goes into it.” The color-coded system was dreamed up the Bush administration. I rest my case.
And just one more…
JEERS to the other date besides 12/7/41 which will live in infamy. Putting this little bit of history down here in the cellar where it belongs. Eighteen years ago tomorrow—an entire generation ago—our steely-eyed chief warrior, Commander Codpiece, who’d lied his pantaloons off to get our country to approve going to war with another country that hadn’t done a thing to us, dressed up in a flight suit and pretended to fly a plane out to an aircraft carrier, where he made a victory speech under a banner that said MISSION ACCOMPLISHED. And oh how the pundit class swooned. Let these clips (and this is just a tiny sample) forever be anvils around their necks…
“Well, that was probably the coolest presidential image since Bill Pullman played the jet fighter pilot in the movie Independence Day. That was the first thing that came to mind for me.”
“Speaking as a woman, and listening to the women who called into my radio show, seeing President Bush get out of that plane, carrying his helmet, he is a real man.”
”…a one-time fighter dog.”
—Wolf Blitzer describing Bush
“Al Gore had to go get some woman to tell him how to be a man. And here comes George Bush. You know, he’s in his flight suit, he’s striding across the deck, and he’s wearing his parachute harness, you know, and I’ve worn those because I parachute, and it makes the best of his manly characteristic. … You know, all those women who say size doesn’t count—they’re all liars. Check that out.”
—G. Gordon Liddy, now burning in hell
In fact, winning the war was so much fun that Commander Codpiece went on winning it for another eight years until his successor decided that enough winning had been won. When it was all over, hundreds of thousands of people had lost their lives, limbs and minds and Commander Codpiece’s taxpayers were on the hook for trillions of victory dollars. Oh, and filling the vacuum Commander Codpiece created was a nightmare army of ISIS orcs whose favorite things in the world are raping women and burning people to death in cages. But the important thing is, Commander Codpiece and the very serious pundit class are still living happily ever after to this day. The End.
Have a great weekend. May all your wings take dream as you put food on your family. Floor’s open…What are you cheering and jeering about today?