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Thursday, January 27, 2022

DeSantis signs new anti-vaxx bill in Brandon, Florida, because killing people is just a game to him

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SURFSIDE, FLORIDA - AUGUST 10: Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis speaks during an event to give out bonuses to first responders held at the Grand Beach Hotel Surfside on August 10, 2021 in Surfside, Florida. DeSantis gave out some of the $1,000 checks that the Florida state budget passed for both first responders and teachers across the state. (Photo by Joe Raedle/Getty Images)

The rest of the sign says ‘MOST SELF-PROMOTING KILLER.’

Republicanism is now a movement that is actively hostile towards governing. It cannot abide it. It exists now only as a series of trolls intended to disparage Americans outside their membership, an eternal attempt to own the libs.

I am sure that Florida Ungovernor Ron DeSantis and his staff think this is very, very clever and that, indeed, he is Owning people, but honestly my first question is how much petty cash Florida taxpayers forked over to make it happen. “Florida Gov. DeSantis signs bills that limit President Biden’s vaccine mandates from Brandon,” announces the headline he was hoping for.

Ah-ha! Get it? You see, Brandon is an omnipresent conservative meme through which people who claim to love America and Jesus can not-secretly declare that the sitting president should go fuck himself, and it’s also an “unincorporated community” in Florida, so DeSantis and staff actually went to Brandon, Florida, to sign yet another Florida Republican bill banning businesses from requiring COVID-19 vaccination proof for their employees. Take that, Washington elites trying to keep our voters alive. You have been thoroughly owned yet again, even if it required a road trip to do it.

Eeeh. They’re just not getting it. Conservatives are very certain that their hated enemies will be very put out by a forced reference to fake swearing, and that isn’t it at all. We do not give a Florida-invading python’s cloaca whether or not you fake-swear at powerful people; many liberals are quite vocal about telling powerful people that they are, for example, horrible shitstains on the underpants of American life.

What we’re angry about is that DeSantis is just giddily murdering people in Florida because his political ambitions matter more than whether or not kids, parents, grandparents, workers, or asshole Florida rich people are dying due to DeSantis doing everything he can to make sure people do not follow the advice of health experts during a deadly pandemic. This greasy fucker is a stone-cold murderer, and not all the people he’s killing are on Team Greasy Fucky Murder. He doesn’t care. He just declares victory every time the state gets over a new record surge.

Unless the graveyards start knocking down property values, he and his “conservative” allies are going to keep doing it. Trump built a coalition of Americans who hate science, hate education, can’t stand expertise, and don’t trust anyone who doesn’t have their own Fox News show. DeSantis has been trying to claw that crowd away from Trump and make it his own, and that means pretending that a pandemic that’s killed tens of thousands of people in his state is nothing but a conspiracy by elites to make people wear masks and not be assholes to each other.

Harrumph, says DeSantis. Being an asshole is a Florida way of life, and you can better believe it’s worth killing people for.

Again, though, it really doesn’t seem we’re going to be able to get through conservative heads on this one: We don’t care if you swear. We don’t care if you swear at powerful people. Do it, go nuts, whatever. It makes for fine television, when y’all are shouting obscenities during a Joe Biden visit to a preschool. We’ll see you five Brandons and raise you a Go Fuck Yourself With A Live Aloe, Ron DeSantis. See? It doesn’t matter. Nobody cares.

What’s making us think you’re all repulsive, ignorant, gullible, self-centered, gleefully cruel shit-brained propaganda zombies is the part where you believe your delicate skin and fee-fees are so important, compared to the lives of everyone around you, that you won’t so much as wear a cloth mask over your snotholes and are constantly enraged that people who know fifty times more than you will ever learn are giving you basic advice on the level of “wash your hands after you poop” or “breathing in viruses can make you sick.” While you’re all down in your Florida swamps looking for leeches to help suck out the tiny witches flying broomsticks through your veins, or whatever the latest Facebook video has you going on about, people with edjumacation are trying to keep you from dying and you’re yelling swear words at them and accusing them of being “globalists.”

That’s the part that makes us have contempt for you. Whether or not you find a new euphemism for fuck so that your churchgoing nana can say it and still be queen of the potluck don’t enter into it. Hell, if you need help coming up with new swears just give as a ring and we will help you do it, you paste-chugging gametophytes.

But stop spending taxpayer money on your half-assed insult sessions, maybe? Next time just sign the bill “Brandon DeSantis,” everyone will have a little chuckle, and you’ll have spent a few bucks less in gas money in your attempts to build a political career on top of the bodies of Americans who trusted you.


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